omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
