If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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