Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
