I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
