Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
