you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
