i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
