6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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