i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
