We named our party play list daddy issues
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
