Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
