Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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