listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
