Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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