Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
