my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
