The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone signed my nipple.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
