I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
