We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
love makes seman taste better
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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