Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
