Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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