I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
