im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
