Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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