mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
