We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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