hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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