I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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