it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
