what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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