I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
