I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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