apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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