the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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