I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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