Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
