Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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