____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago