I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.