after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
