I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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