a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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