I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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