i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
