hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
