My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
