party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
