i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
