I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
