i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
