I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
