Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
