I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
