I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How does one acquire holy water?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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