closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
