How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
