Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
