yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
