shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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